Watching Him Fade Away- Part Four

I'll never forget today. I'll never forget how he stared at me. "That's Laura, do you see her?" "Hehh." That's all he says. Hehh. I simply can't believe it. I really can't. I can't accept it. I don't understand. That man in that hospital bed was once a stubborn man. A man who took us to the park whenever we asked him. A man who talked and talked about Mr. Moppin in every family reunion. Now all he says is "hehh." I look at him and his body doesn't belong to him. His pale white skin sticks to his bones and his eyes seem to pass right through you. I have the impression that he didn't recognize me. That look. I just can't accept it. He's not him. Please talk to me! Say something. Ask me how soccer is going. Ask me how many goals I scored and I'll tell you again I don't score any because I play defense. Tell me about Honda. Promise me we'll go back there. Grandpa please stand up. I'm so scared. Go back to being that stressful old man always arguing with my grandma about the stupidest things. I can't take it anymore. I wake up every morning and wonder if you'll wake up. I think about it all the time. I'm so scared to see you, because I'm scared it will be the last time. How will I know when the time will come? What if I can't say goodbye?
I now understand why cancer is such a difficult disease. I hate it so much. It kills the soul before it kills the body. I'm so shocked. I can't believe that's my grandpa. He still looks like him, but he's not him. That man must remember who he was before. I can't imagine how difficult that can be. He knows he once was strong, but he can't do anything about it. No one can. All we can do is wait. How awful is that. Just wait.

I hate it. With passion.